Thursday, January 19, 2012

Live Deliberately

My last post has become the 3rd highest viewed post since I started this blog back in 2008.  I wasn't really sure why, at first.
A fluke?
Bad weather outside equals more on-line time?
It'd been almost a week since my last post and you all missed me?  (HA!)

But then I realized what it must be.  The title.  My post is titled "A ridiculously long time in coming..."
Tell the all thought I was making some big announcement, didn't you?

To clear the record, clean the slate, etc...

I am NOT pregnant.
We are NOT moving.
We are STILL happily married.
Rebekah is NOT legally licensed to drive.
The man cave is still NOT done.
I have NOT lost 10 pounds.  (darn)
Etc, etc, etc.

Sorry if I unearthed your inner gossip.  No big news here.

In all actuality I feel like I'm in a rut.  I'm busy, certainly.  In fact, for the past few days I've had so much going on that I've felt like I've been living in the land of crazy!  But somehow despite that, I feel like I'm in a rut.  I get up and do the same things day after day.  I don't wake up excited about my to-do list.  I don't even make a to-do list.  And though I have a desire to change this pattern, I'm having a hard time making myself do it.  A self-defeating, spiraling cycle.

Maybe it's a bad case of January-itis.  Though normally I really like January.
Maybe I'm missing performing....I've taken the last few months off from voice lessons.
Maybe I need more sleep.  (probably)
Maybe I spend way too much time each morning sitting in front of my computer checking emails, commenting on FB, reading blogs, writing blogs and just surfing the internet in general.

Realistically, I think I'm not using my time well.  I feel like I'm letting life just happen to me and then reacting to it, rather than living deliberately.  Which makes me, well...kind of depressed.  So then, feeling bad, I sit around.  And let life happen to me some more.  Which then makes me more depressed.  You see the cycle here?  I go to bed each night feeling like I didn't really do anything with my day...knowing full well that it is my own fault. 

I have a good, full life.  And I am happy.  I am blessed with good and sweet children, a beautiful home and a husband who not only loves me but supports me in my hobbies...singing and choirs, running and biking, etc.  I have interesting and varied friends from all phases of my life that I still frequently get together with.  My live is GOOD.  So why do I feel this way?

Honestly, I hesitate to say any of this.  I'm pretty sure that it is just winter blues or something equally silly.  Chances are good that I will feel much better next week.  But in the meantime...maybe I should look at making some changes in my daily life.  Changes wrapped around living deliberately, looking at each day as a gift and using my time more productively and wisely.

Some thoughts from Elder Ian S. Arderm's talk in General Conference that really jumped out at me last October:  
*With the demands made of us, we must learn to prioritize our choices to match our goals or risk being exposed to the winds of procrastination and being blown from one time-wasting activity to another.

*I know our greatest happiness comes as we tune in to the Lord and to those things which bring a lasting reward, rather than mindlessly tuning in to countless hours of status updates, Internet farming, and catapulting angry birds at concrete walls. I urge each of us to take those things which rob us of precious time and determine to be their master, rather than allowing them through their addictive nature to be the master of us.

I decided back in December that my New Years resolution/Word of the Year should be Live Deliberately.  Last year it was Essential.  The year before that it was Balance.  And as I thought more about it I realized that basically they all mean the same thing.  Balancing my time and activities, doing the Essential things first, Living Deliberately so I'm not just reacting to whatever life throws at me...    Each year's word may have a slightly different spin but obviously I still haven't got this concept right.  This is something I struggle with and need continued work on.

So I'm hoping as I make some changes in how I live my daily life, I can pull myself out of this self-defeating little rut that I find myself frequently inhabiting.  Wish me luck that I can Live Deliberately this year!   

1 comment:

Jewels said...

Oh, that quote made me feel guilty since I've spent the past 40 minutes reading blogs. =0)
I like your word. I think it's a great goal. Something I need to think about some more.