Welcome 2013

It's a little scary to make New Years resolutions this year. There are so many things that I feel I should work on or change in my life that it's a little overwhelming. And frankly, I already know that if I try to tackle them all at the same time, I will fail.

Last year was not my best. I have a hard time really pinning down why I feel that way because in many ways it was a really great year. But personally, I did not feel like I put my best foot forward. I would say that I got lazy, and yet I'm not sure I've ever been as busy. And maybe that was the problem. When I was home, I didn't want to do anything but sit. So despite my best laid plans to use my time wisely and be productive...well, I didn't and wasn't. So with my house always a mess and with projects never getting done, I found myself feeling in turns apathetic and anxious. Slacking in my essential things such as personal scripture study, family prayer, consistent exercise certainly didn't help. I felt like I was getting nothing done...and yet at the same time, doing so much that I was flying by the seat of my pants. 2012 was just a strange contradiction all the way around.

I have high hopes for 2013. I'm feeling optimistic and hopeful...feelings that I have had in short supply over the past 12 months. It's nice to feel that way again. To be excited about goals and projects. But I'm wary. What do I tackle? There are so many little things...is there one overreaching goal I could make to kind of cover it all? But here's what I did come up with. And realistically, I didn't come up with it myself...I lifted it from a friend, but it more or less encompassed what I was thinking. And it is this...

Live each day with purpose and passion.

Which realistically means that each day will be different. What can I do that specific day, with all that I want or need to accomplish on my to-do list, to live with purpose and passion? It certainly means that I need to make conscious decisions each day rather than just let the day happen to me. And one thing that I think will be a big help with that...turn off my computer. I spend more and more of my downtime on my computer. Or time that shouldn't really be downtime, but is because I'm tired and don't want to wash the dishes or put away the laundry or go grocery shopping. It's how I de-stress...some people sit in front of the TV, I sit in front of the computer screen.

You are still going to see plenty of blog posts. And I'm nowhere close to pulling of facebook for good. We live in an ever increasingly electronic world. Among multiple other things, I pay my bills, do much of my shopping, research various topics and make travel plans on-line. I write this blog which has become not only my way of preserving a little bit of our family history but also a satisfying outlet for writing which I'm enjoying more and more. I am in charge of both a blog and a facebook page for my singing group, Higher Ground. I am in charge of the stake music website (supposedly...still working on figuring that out.) My husband is a computer guru...computers are a big part of our home life. But moderation in all things, yes? If my computer is completely and totally shut down for certain parts of the day, it won't be as easy for me to find myself drifting aimlessly over to "just check email for a minute" which then turns into an hour. An hour that is not always spent living with purpose or passion.

So though I'm also trying to go to bed earlier, eat better, exercise more, read my scriptures consistently, be a stickler about making sure family prayer happens each and every evening, and be a more present mother and wife...I think all of those things will be easier to do if I make a conscious decision to live each day with purpose and passion. And right now, I'm starting by logging off my computer.

Live Deliberately

My last post has become the 3rd highest viewed post since I started this blog back in 2008.  I wasn't really sure why, at first.
A fluke?
Bad weather outside equals more on-line time?
It'd been almost a week since my last post and you all missed me?  (HA!)

But then I realized what it must be.  The title.  My post is titled "A ridiculously long time in coming..."
Tell the truth...you all thought I was making some big announcement, didn't you?


To clear the record, clean the slate, etc...

I am NOT pregnant.
We are NOT moving.
We are STILL happily married.
Rebekah is NOT legally licensed to drive.
The man cave is still NOT done.
I have NOT lost 10 pounds.  (darn)
Etc, etc, etc.

Sorry if I unearthed your inner gossip.  No big news here.

In all actuality I feel like I'm in a rut.  I'm busy, certainly.  In fact, for the past few days I've had so much going on that I've felt like I've been living in the land of crazy!  But somehow despite that, I feel like I'm in a rut.  I get up and do the same things day after day.  I don't wake up excited about my to-do list.  I don't even make a to-do list.  And though I have a desire to change this pattern, I'm having a hard time making myself do it.  A self-defeating, spiraling cycle.

Maybe it's a bad case of January-itis.  Though normally I really like January.
Maybe I'm missing performing....I've taken the last few months off from voice lessons.
Maybe I need more sleep.  (probably)
Maybe I spend way too much time each morning sitting in front of my computer checking emails, commenting on FB, reading blogs, writing blogs and just surfing the internet in general.

Realistically, I think I'm not using my time well.  I feel like I'm letting life just happen to me and then reacting to it, rather than living deliberately.  Which makes me, well...kind of depressed.  So then, feeling bad, I sit around.  And let life happen to me some more.  Which then makes me more depressed.  You see the cycle here?  I go to bed each night feeling like I didn't really do anything with my day...knowing full well that it is my own fault. 

I have a good, full life.  And I am happy.  I am blessed with good and sweet children, a beautiful home and a husband who not only loves me but supports me in my hobbies...singing and choirs, running and biking, etc.  I have interesting and varied friends from all phases of my life that I still frequently get together with.  My live is GOOD.  So why do I feel this way?

Honestly, I hesitate to say any of this.  I'm pretty sure that it is just winter blues or something equally silly.  Chances are good that I will feel much better next week.  But in the meantime...maybe I should look at making some changes in my daily life.  Changes wrapped around living deliberately, looking at each day as a gift and using my time more productively and wisely.

Some thoughts from Elder Ian S. Arderm's talk in General Conference that really jumped out at me last October:  
*With the demands made of us, we must learn to prioritize our choices to match our goals or risk being exposed to the winds of procrastination and being blown from one time-wasting activity to another.

*I know our greatest happiness comes as we tune in to the Lord and to those things which bring a lasting reward, rather than mindlessly tuning in to countless hours of status updates, Internet farming, and catapulting angry birds at concrete walls. I urge each of us to take those things which rob us of precious time and determine to be their master, rather than allowing them through their addictive nature to be the master of us.

I decided back in December that my New Years resolution/Word of the Year should be Live Deliberately.  Last year it was Essential.  The year before that it was Balance.  And as I thought more about it I realized that basically they all mean the same thing.  Balancing my time and activities, doing the Essential things first, Living Deliberately so I'm not just reacting to whatever life throws at me...    Each year's word may have a slightly different spin but obviously I still haven't got this concept right.  This is something I struggle with and need continued work on.

So I'm hoping as I make some changes in how I live my daily life, I can pull myself out of this self-defeating little rut that I find myself frequently inhabiting.  Wish me luck that I can Live Deliberately this year!   

NaBloPoMo

Just in case you were wondering....
After I finished that 30 day photo challenge I joked about taking an extended break from my blog.  Joke...cause of course, I'm way too prolific/wordy/chatty to do something like that.  But if you've noticed, I'm actually still posting EVERY DAY!
The reason?
NaBloPoMo.
I signed myself up to post something, ANYTHING every single day for the month of November.  (The point behind NaBloPoMo being to get yourself out of a rut and WRITE/POST.)  And yes, I realize that doing the photo challenge just had me doing that very thing all throughout October.  Glutton for punishment...that would be me.  Either that or I just really like shooting the breeze. 

National Blog Posting Month, or NaBloPoMo, is a month long writing exercise intended to occur annually in November. The first NaBloPoMo occurred in November of 2006, and was the brainchild of M. Kennedy, an American blogger. Kennedy was inspired by National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), which also happens every November, and thought that there should be a blogging counterpart. NaBloPoMo took off, thanks to the extensive information distribution network between bloggers, with hundreds of participants entered in the first NaBloPoMo.
 
The rules of NaBloPoMo are simple, although the challenge is set up on an honor system. Participants are required to publish one post on their personal website or blog every day. There is no length requirement, with some posters writing long essays every day and others posting photographs and brief captions. Participants are not permitted to back post or schedule chron jobs to upload posts in the future, but must actively create a post every day for the month of November.

Finished!

I finished this photo challenge yesterday.  Somehow it seems strange to be done...the 30 days went by rather fast.  And I almost feel at a loss.  Because it has SO consumed me this past month...being on my mind each and every day.  Some days were easy.  Some days were hard.  Sometimes it was difficult to figure out WHAT to take a picture of, how to interpret the assignment.  Other days it was getting the actual picture.  Whether that meant I had to make the time to drive somewhere out of my way, or just getting the shot I wanted to turn out the way I envisioned...seeing as my photography experience is limited.  But the spur of the moment decision to take on this challenge has turned into a better experience than I expected.  And I learned a lot.

I learned more about the various settings on my camera, about photo editing, about taking pictures from different and (perhaps) unexpected angles and of looking at the world through the eyes of a photographer...finding beauty in normal and mundane things, appreciating the color, texture and personality of things around me.  

But as if that wasn't enough already, I also hugely enjoyed trying to make each day's post more than just a photo I took...a story or experience behind the reason I chose interpret that day's assignment the way I did or the experience I had getting the actual shot.   

Who knows...now that I don't have the pressure of doing a post-per-day I might just take an extended leave of absence from my blog...

(Yeah right...like that's going to happen!  I'm way too prolific and wordy for that!)

ESSENTIAL

During the October 2010 General Conference Quentin L. Cook gave a talk entitled "Let There Be Light." It mostly centered on protecting our families and communities from Satan's influences all around us...how to keep that light despite the dangers we face in the world today. One quote jumped out at me like a big neon sign.

"Weekly Family Home Evening and daily family prayer and scripture study are essential."

Yep. That's it. Seemingly, not too earth shattering, right?

Interestingly enough, at the time I didn't remember too much of the talk and actually had to go back and re-read it to try and figure out what the quote was even really about, why it had affected me the way it had.

I mean, it's not new revelation or anything. Having FHE, family prayer and scripture study...well, yeah, we all know we should be doing that.

I thought about it for days, even asking Bryan what he thought. He said that if something an apostle had said had jumped out at me, then no matter how simple and obvious it seemed, there was reason behind it. I finally figured out that it wasn't necessarily the actual quote...it was the word. ESSENTIAL.

Family Home Evening, family prayer and scripture study...it wasn't just something we should do. It was more than just a nice thing... much more, even, than being important. It was ESSENTIAL.

So a few months later when it came time to make New Years goals/resolutions I decided to again have one word be my goal, my motto or focus for the year. (Last year's word was Balance). I knew immediately that my word would be ESSENTIAL.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what things needed to be ESSENTIAL (ie: more than just a nice thing) in my life. Of course FHE, family prayer and scripture study were on the list. But also having dinner as a family. Frequent dates nights with my husband. And, maybe strangely, excersize...not so much about losing weight but being healthy and taking care of my body.

So we're now 3 months into 2011 and 6 months from the original conference talk. How am I doing? I have to admit that it's been a bit of a roller coaster. I have good weeks and bad weeks. I guess that's how things tend to roll with most goals. But I'm working on it.

BALANCE

I really relate to this painting. It is fittingly titled "The Balancing Act." The artist, James C. Christensen, said about it:

"Life is a balance between fun and work, spiritual qualities, education, nutrition … our lives are continuously balancing acts. Of course, some of us make it a little more complex by putting our only balancing foot on the back of a moving turtle. Why are there three clocks in the image? Because we’re always balancing time. There are many specific symbols in the image. Most of them are far from obscure, but the little neat secrets include a king statue, the symbol of the omnipresence of politics and government. The skull is a spring hare skull, with a little label that reads “spring hare – lost race.” It’s a joke, but it also symbolizes mortality. The owl and the pussycat represent marriage, which is a major balancing act. The Latin in the image means “Equilibrium (balance) is to be desired.” In other words, as long as you remain upright, you’re okay." Earlier this year, back when it's traditional to make goals and New Years resolutions, I noticed a trend. Instead of making a list of resolutions, people were finding a scripture or a single word that would be their focus or motto of the year. Something to keep in mind or shape everything they did. I found that interesting and immediately knew what my word would be. BALANCE. Last year I felt like my BALANCE was totally off. Especially in the spring and summer, as I was heavily involved in "Pirates of Penzance" and also trying to train for the triathlon and bike races. I felt like my responsibilities as a wife, mother and homemaker were sliding. That I was doing the minimum to get by. And it all translated into me feeling like I was flying by the seat of my pants. I did not know if it was because I had bitten off more than I could chew, or if it were simply me not prioritizing my time well.
And so, as the New Year started, I had the opportunity to join the cast of "Power In His Touch." I was also starting to look into races for this year. And then I remembered last summer, how hard and crazy it had been. So I thought long and hard about it all. And I decided that maybe this could be an experiment in BALANCE. Because the more I thought about it, the more I thought I probably could handle it all...if I watched things more closely. And was willing to step back if I had to.So BALANCE has been my focus the past few months. I even custom ordered the word in vinyl to put up on my wall as a constant reminder. I think I've done okay so far. Like any goal, it's always a work in progress. There have been days where Bryan has come home to me gone...but dinner on the table, a clean house and happy children. There have also been days where I've slacked and things have been a disaster. But overall, I think I'm doing better...I think it's working. I've pulled out of rehearsals to go to pack meetings and Jr. High choir concerts. After working for months, I did not end up competing in my NATS voice competition because it conflicted with Brandon's state gymnastics meet and he really wanted me there. A few days ago I made the (hard) decision to not audition for "Jane Eyre" because I felt I should probably focus any free time on the bike and running races coming up. It's hard to BALANCE. I want to do it all. Decisions on how best to spend my time can be difficult and sometimes come with regret. But that's life. And I'm pretty happy with my life.

A worthy goal completed

Julianne was challenged by her grandparents to read the whole Book of Mormon before she turned twelve years old. She has been doing this completely on her own...no pushing or prodding from me at all. And seeing as she has till February before she turns twelve I was rather surprised when she calmly announced last night that she was finished. I'm so proud of her!

ANNOUNCING...

...the birth of sweet Cameron David. Born June 10th to proud parents Kevin and Kari. Bryan and I are thrilled to have another nephew...the kids, another cousin. And can I just say what a tough woman Kari is? She decided months and months ago that she wanted to do this labor natural. No epidural. Not something I'd ever want to do, really, but I know that many women have that desire/goal. So Kari did some serious preparation in anticipation of this labor and delivery. She did oodles of research. She and Kevin went to classes. She practiced meditation and relaxing techniques. She was prepared physically and mentally when her water broke early morning on the 10th. And even though this labor went for a good 14 hours or so....kind of long for a 5th baby....she stuck with it! And she did it! And I can't even tell you how impressed I am with her! And how proud! And even slightly envious, in a way. Because even though all births are special, wonderful, memorable little miracles...not only did she end up with a sweet baby as a result, she also achieved a huge goal. And I've got to think that somehow, that makes the whole event a little sweeter, you know?

Lilian was so excited to meet her newest cousin. And Kevin was so sweet to help her hold little Cameron.

Cue the "Chariots of Fire" Music...

They had a photographer at the triathlon taking official pictures of all the goings on. They got this shot of me coming into the finish line. I've had a lot of people ask me how the tri went. What it was like. And somewhat jokingly I've been telling them that it's kind of like labor. There's months of prep leading up to it. It's hard and it hurts. But at the end you feel amazing...the rewards and the feelings of accomplishment. And, most like labor, you forget about the bad stuff as time goes by and are anxious to do it again!

Before and after there were so many people offering words of support. It was an amazing feeling to find that so many friends and relatives were interested in this crazy thing that I'd decided to do. It actually helped a lot, believe it or not. The comment that pops into my head every time I see this picture is from my friend Brenda. She and I were both first-timers in this triathlon. After it was all over she posted a message on my facebook profile:
"YOU DID IT....YOU DID IT....YOU DID IT! Sing it, chant it, do the victory dance to it...whatever you want cause you are a champion...my friend!"

Thank you all, for the "good lucks", "way to gos", "good jobs" and "you can do its" over the past few months. I deeply appreciate it.

The Big Day!

Yesterday was the big day. The day I'd been training for...with equal parts excitement and dread...for the past three months. The Women of Steel Triathlon. And I made it! I can now count myself among the few and the proud...and call myself a triathlete! Yes, I'm being a bit melodramatic. But after I got home yesterday afternoon and Bryan wrapped me in a big hug, I found myself crying. Not because it had been hard, though it was. And not because I was exhausted, though I was that too. But just because I felt like I had just accomplished something huge. In the full spectrum of things competing in a triathlon may not amount to much, I know. But never in a million years would I have thought I could do something like this. And I worked HARD for it. So to me, it was a big deal.


There were 15 of us from my neighborhood doing the tri. We all drove down together the night before to pick up our information packets, check out the pool, drive the bike route, have a big carb-filled pasta dinner at The Olive Garden and then check into the hotel rooms we had booked earlier in the month. Plans had been for some heavy girly gabbing and partying but most of us were tired and some of us were seriously nervous about the next day. (Count me in that group). We were in bed by 10:30. When the alarm went off at 6:00 the next morning I have to admit that my first thought was "Oh no!" My stomach was filled with butterflies. I had to force the oatmeal I was having for breakfast down my throat because I had lost my appetite. I was pretty nervous.

Even though I had been at the tri site the night before, it looked much more overwhelmingly crowded when we arrived Saturday morning. I made my way to my pre-assigned transition spot and set up my gear. My bike hanging on the rack, my towel laying on the ground on which I put my biking shoes, running shoes, socks, sunglasses, helmet, and snacks. I grabbed my swim cap and goggles and then headed over to be "body marked". Basically this meant that they took a permanent marker and wrote my race number on both my upper arms and also wrote my age on my left calf. And as I was racing throughout the next few hours it was kind of interesting to see people's ages as I passed them...or as they passed me. At one point I was running behind a 61 year old woman. Does it sound horrible of me if I admit that I badly wanted to make sure I passed her? That I didn't want a 61 year old woman beating me? At the same time, I did give thought to how awesomely tough she must have been to be doing this at her age! (And yes, I did pass her...)

The 300 meter swim started at 8:00. They had us line ourselves up in different groups according to how fast we thought we could swim. I placed myself back in the 9-10 minute area. And then stood there for the next 40 minutes waiting for my turn. There were two sections of swimmers on either side of the pool and they were letting them jump in every 12 seconds but wow, it sure took awhile. Finally it was my turn. I jumped in, started swimming, got halfway down the lane and thought, "Oh crap...I don't know if I can do this!" I'd practiced 300 meters plenty of times but the pool I'd trained in had shorter laps...which meant more of them, certainly, but my body was used to stopping every 25 meters instead of 50. So I was used to getting a good breath in every time I'd hit the wall to turn around. Not the case here. Kind of threw me off a bit. But I stuck with it. I did the freestyle, backstroke, sidestroke and breaststroke...all to get myself through it. I even walked a bit in the shallow end when I'd get too close to the swimmer in front of me. But I did it. Big sigh of relief. The hardest part...for me, anyhow, was over.


I went back over to my transition area and got myself ready for biking. The bike ride was 12.75 miles. This was only my 2nd real bike ride and two decent sized hills were involved. Well, four hills, really, because we did the loop twice. But I surprised myself by doing pretty well and really enjoying it. And those clipless pedals I was originally worried about getting? I could feel how productive they were making me and was quite glad that I had chosen to get them despite my fears. The whole course was really well layed out. There were policemen at each stop sign and signal giving those of us on bikes and running the right of way so we didn't have stop for traffic. And there were tri workers along the way with no job other than to cheer us on.


I pulled my bike into my transition area and was putting on my running shoes when one of my friends came over. She was eating oranges and looking relaxed...had just finished her race. And I still had 3 miles of running to go! But she said she'd be waiting for me at the finish line and pushed me on my way. I can run 3 miles now without too much problem. But not necessarily when it's coming after swimming and biking! And so, I admit, I did choose to walk up those two hills. I have no doubt I could've pushed myself and shaved a few minutes off my end time. Maybe next year. As I rounded the corner into the finish line a bunch of the women I had come with were waiting for me, cheering me on. It felt good.

In the middle of everything I had told myself that I'd probably never to choose to do a triathlon again. And yet, this morning as I woke up with a sore tail bone from biking, a sore shoulder from my backstroke, and various other sore and stiff muscles I was already planning in my head how next year will be. (One thing I already know...to bring a hat or bandana to cover my horrible hair for group pictures like this one. I look truly hideous!)

My overall time 01:51:19
Swim 00:10:47
First Transition 00:05:18
Bike 00:56:48
Second Transition 00:02:17
Run 00:36:49

Saturday Morning Running

I've been trying to build up my running endurance. And I've been really discouraged because I get tired so fast. I'm used to speed walking. It's a bigger difference and harder than I thought it would be going from walking to running. But I started thinking that maybe running would be easier outside vs. downstairs on my treadmill. Running in place and staring at the wall makes me focus more intently on how long I've been running and how tired I'm getting. I was hoping that being outside, having more to look at, actually running someplace instead of in place would help. So I went to the elementary school where they have a track. I walked 1/2 mile and then ran 2. SO much easier than in my basement. I'm immensely relieved. I was getting rather nervous....wondering if I'd really be able to this triathlon. If I was seriously crazy for signing up in the first place. But now, the running part anyhow, I'm sure I'll be able to do. Still have a lot of work to do, but it will come. Swimming on the other hand.... yeah, still nervous about that.

Women of Steel

I just finished registering for a triathlon today. It's in May. As it is a triathlon, we're talking swimming, biking, and running. I don't even own a bike. Yet. Am I crazy? Maybe I am. But I am also really excited. I watched many of my neighbors train for this event last year and decided to join them for this year's event when they emailed me the info a few days ago.
Years ago I had a friend who was training for a marathon because, he said, everyone had "Run a Marathon" as a lifetime goal that they someday wanted to achieve. I laughed. I had NO desire to do a marathon or anything even remotely like it. But I'm finding myself coming around to his way of thinking. Maybe it's the neighborhood I live in. Maybe it's the fact that I'm getting older and want to prove that I really can still do something like this. Well, whatever it is, I'm officially registered. No turning back now! Wish me luck.

Stuff

Messing around with blog backgrounds tonight. Going very simple this time...no idea why. Just in the mood for simple. It may change in the next few days. We'll see what kind of mood I'm in tomorrow.
Nothing going on today. Wow, did it feel good.
Should be coming up with New Years resolutions. So many possibilities running through my head I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. I need to keep my list to a minimum. Too many and I'll give up and do none of them. I know this from past experience. There are just so many things I'd like to learn or do or improve upon this year it's hard to decide which to focus on.
I know already that running on the treadmill more consistently will be on the list. I think I'll go do that now.

Finding A Balance

It's here! I can now officially allow myself to sink into that warm, fuzzy, happy coziness that is Christmas to me. We spent the weekend putting up the Christmas decor. I found myself grinning for no specific reason every time I looked at the tree. It really is the best time of year. My Dad says that it's the one time of year when peace and goodwill seem like something real...that the spirit of peace and goodwill are actually tangible at Christmas. So I'm thrilled to be in the thick of it once again.
But even as I'm listening to the soothing Tab Choir Christmas CD my mind is going a million miles a second trying to untangle the mess up there that is all my errands and things to make and do in preparation for the big day. I had told myself that because I have so many Christmas concerts this year I needed to be done with my shopping by Thanksgiving. I'm close but have a few stops still to make. Plus, I need to write my Christmas letter. Plus, I need to figure out what the kids are going to give to their friends. Plus, I need to package up a bunch of gifts and make a trip to the post office. Plus, plus, plus.... And I'm realizing that I need to find a balance. Things are going to be busy in the next few weeks. Really, really busy. But I don't want my house and family to fall apart while I'm shopping here, singing there. I want to feel that peace of Christmas. I want that feeling to be the main thing permeating through our home, no matter how much is going on. When I'm home I want to be really home...baking cookies, reading Christmas stories to the kids. When I'm singing in a concert, I want to make sure I'm leaving the house clean and dinner prepared. I don't want to get to Christmas day and think, "How did we get here?" I want to enjoy it along the way. I want to savor it. And I want my family to feel the same way. Is it possible? I'm darn well going to try.